There were a few rough years after my divorce, but eventually I fell into a routine. My life was rolling along like a well-oiled machine. Then, I decided to make some major life changes. And while I’m excited about what’s to come, things didn’t go according to plan and there have been some major bumps in the road. Bumps that made me wonder if I really was capable of tackling all these changes alone.
I’ve been single for a really long time and I’ve mostly loved it. I am human and do want a partner to do life with, but I haven’t found him yet. So one night while I was crying myself to sleep, second guessing the decisions I’d made lately, I couldn’t stop thinking about how nice it would be to just have someone to go through this with. Someone to talk to. Someone to help me calm down. Someone to reason with me when I got so stressed out I was barely eating.
But then I realized the years of being a single mom and working and maintaining my home has made me resilient. I know how to self regulate; I know that this will pass and there will be light at the end of my tunnel. And my biggest realization was that I only wanted a partner now because I thought it would bring me comfort. But the thing is, I have no idea how a partner would be in this situation. And of course, I’d have to manage their feelings and emotions on top of mine as well as comfort them because that’s how a relationship works.
Later, I was talking to a friend who told me to be glad I was going through it alone because it gave me the freedom to make all the decisions about this without having to consider another adult’s feelings. She reminded me that I know what I want and I know what’s best for me. And as hard as this has been, doing this alone has forced me to tackle hard things and learn a lot on my own.
I left that conversation with a completely new perspective. My friend was right. I have total control on the decisions I’m making and with that comes a lot of freedom. I’ve also learned more in these past few months going through this alone than I would have if I had someone helping me. And I’m proud of that. I like being in the know. It’s so much better than relying on someone else.
I’d still love a partner. But I can’t help but feel like, for right now, I’m single for a reason. I needed to go through this alone to get stronger and feel more confident about making big decisions. I absolutely know what I want and it really does feel good to know that whatever I decide, I just get to fucking do it. Man or no man, I know how to make myself happy. And also, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready to consider someone else’s decorating taste in my house. So there’s that.
