Being a stay-at-home mom may be a dream come true for you, or it might be a role that’s seriously lacking in the things you need — but no matter what, it isn’t easy. I don’t even like to call it a job, honestly. Jobs get breaks and start and end times and some kind of wage; being a stay-at-home mom is a role you take on, an entire life change, that can really throw you for a loop. Especially if your partner is dismissive of the effort it takes.
Look, we could go back and forth forever about what it means to be a stay-at-home mom. Some people think you should have a specific routine, and some prefer to wing it every morning. Some want to run a house where their partner comes home from work and doesn’t have to lift a finger, and some prefer a more 50/50 split of household chores that happen when both parents are home.
But despite having conversations with partners about what a day is really like as a SAHM and setting expectations, many feel their efforts are completely dismissed by the other parent. Whether it’s not being able to mention being tired without your partner arguing how you have it easy or a partner insisting that you should be able to deep clean the kitchen and manage kids every single day, it’s easy to feel less-than and unappreciated.
“In the past, getting married was viewed as the main way for women to become financially secure, and as a result, would be expected to take on the role of the ‘housewife’ who cared for the kids and completed all the household chores,” Cheryl Dillon, a certified divorce coach, tells Scary Mommy.
Now that modern life has changed things, allowing both parents to have their own careers and make money in a way that wasn’t even considered before, it’s meant that those who opt to be stay-at-home parents “are viewed as having an ‘easy’ lifestyle because they don’t have to work, causing some partners to be dismissive of the amount of work that goes into being a full-time parent.”
But you know what being a full-time parent entails. There’s the feeding and the general care of kids — diapers and potty training and getting them dressed and bandaging up boo-boos — but there’s also entertaining them, taking them with you to run errands, and finding ways to spend the day together that don’t make you pull out your hair. Add in laundry or cleaning up toys that you’ve already cleaned up twice today (not to mention breaking up a million sibling fights), and you realize that maybe having two dishwashers going at one time would really help.
Find a way to approach your partner about their perception.
The best way to combat this feeling of being unappreciated or being treated as if you have the world’s easiest job is to communicate. Maybe your partner hasn’t said much yet, but you’ve set your own expectations and are having difficulty meeting the roles you think you should be doing. Ideally, you and your partner have already discussed what you want your day-to-day routines to look like so that your family and home can run smoothly for everyone. But if you need your partner to understand how you’re feeling, Dillon says to start with “I statements,” like “I feel hurt that you think my responsibilities are easy” or “I feel unappreciated and dismissed when you focus on the things I didn’t get done in a day.”
“When talking to them, you might also want to highlight the responsibilities you take on each day and the mental and physical energy it takes to look after a child all day, as well as the rest of the household chores. Even when your child is asleep, you always have to be ‘on’ in case they might need you — you don’t get vacations or sick leave from being a parent,” Dillon says. “You could also invite them to take on your responsibilities for a day or a weekend so they can understand what it involves and how hard you work each day to keep the household a nice place to live.”
Divvy up responsibilities so you both feel appreciated and heard.
If the struggle of being a stay-at-home mom has been exacerbated by having too much on your plate, then it’s definitely time to divvy up some responsibilities. Dillon acknowledges that while a lot of parents discuss the changes in their lifestyles and expectations of each other before a baby’s arrival, becoming a stay-at-home parent can still bring a huge wallop to your family’s previous schedule. It makes it hard to stop and really discuss everyone’s expectations when you feel like you’re just fighting the current and keeping your head above water.
“To begin the conversation, it’s important to find an appropriate time and place to talk. This needs to be somewhere you both feel relaxed and not distracted by other tasks or commitments — a good time might be once you have put your children down to sleep for the night,” Dillon suggests. “Once you know when and where you are going to discuss the expectations for your role, think about the language you are using when speaking to your partner; that way, you are less likely to create any conflict that may result in your partner not understanding your feelings and walking away from the conversation.” In other words, focus on how you feel, not what your partner has done or said.
Then, Dillon suggests acknowledging your and your partner’s responsibilities and how they are essential to the household. “Invite your partner to acknowledge how they feel about your current role as a stay-at-home parent,” she says. “This way, it remains a two-sided conversation where both of you get to express how you feel.”
Keep talking to your partner, even if everything seems fine.
Next, it’s time to devise a resolution to the issue. Dillon suggests both of you share the tasks you each find the most challenging in your current day-to-day responsibilities and bring up which ones you need more support on, being careful to acknowledge that each person’s role can change.
“For example, a person’s job out of the house may be more demanding one day than the next, as can taking on the role of looking after a child full-time,” she says. “You then need to consider how to split household tasks between you fairly, in a way you agree on. This could be while one person is out of the house at work, the stay-at-home parent commits to certain jobs looking after the house and the children, taking breaks where possible — as they would if they also worked out of the house. Then, when you are both home, you split the rest of the household responsibilities equally, making sure you fit in personal downtime for you both.”
The conversation doesn’t have to stop there. Dillon says it’s imperative that once you’ve got a routine going, you should make time for regular check-ins about the new arrangements and make any necessary adjustments. If you’re both finding this overwhelming or if discussions have become unproductive, it might be time to find a counselor who can help mediate your conversation.
Above all, remember this: Being a SAHM isn’t easy. It’s hard, meaningful work and should be treated as such. In no way should you ever be treated unfairly because you don’t bring in an income, and nobody should ever make your role as a stay-at-home parent feel obsolete because it’s not a traditional job. If your partner can’t understand how paid work out of the house and domestic duties contribute to your family’s well-being, it’s time for professional help.
