Close your eyes and sing it with me Amy Grant-style, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” It’s a magical time often filled with lights and glitter, family and friend gatherings, gift exchanges, photos with Santa, sugar cookie meal-replacements (just me?) and other cherished traditions. But for moms like myself who are co-parenting young children, the holidays can bring a mix of wonderment, anxiety, relief and heartache. It’s funny how so many emotions can co-exist. I’ve seen myself survive the first co-parenting Christmas, but I want to do more than just survive. I want to thrive and find more joy than sorrow. So I’m taking that simple success of survival, engaging in positive self-talk (it really does work), and making the most of this new normal.
One thing I have going for me this year is that I have the kids on Christmas Day. This happens every other year in my co-parenting experience,, so when it lands on my year I can’t help but feel I’ve won the lottery and do have thoughts dancing around my brain that I have a “winning” holiday season ahead. Undeniably the hardest morning in a co-parenting relationship is a Christmas morning without the children. Those little humans I birthed and love-to-the-moon-and-back are not there on one of the most magical days of the year. Excuse me as I let my body sink into my couch as I think about this. Okay, I’m good — it’s not all misery and coal, so stick with me.
Sharing custody with an ex-spouse creates a unique dynamic. On the one hand, the 50/50 time split can provide much-needed time to prepare for the festivities, and on the other hand, it can leave an emotional void when your children aren’t with you to share in the magic.
One undeniable advantage of co-parenting during the holidays is the additional time it affords. Splitting custody means you have moments to yourself, free from the constant demands of parenting. This can be a lifesaver when it comes to tackling the ever-growing holiday to-do list.
While the logistical benefits of shared custody are clear, the emotional challenges are equally significant. I find the Christmas season to be a cherished time for togetherness, and nothing underscores the absence of your children more than the quiet of a house that should be filled with laughter and excitement. Moms around the world crave quiet but only for about an hour max before it becomes too quiet and too calm and the longing for the pitter patter of feet running around or even just the energy that you sense when they’re there with you in the house is missed.
Co-parenting at Christmastime means facing the reality that you’ll miss out on some of your children’s special moments. You might not be there to see their eyes light up the night before Christmas due to excitement and anticipation or hear their giggles as they unwrap poop-themed presents (Poop Bingo, anyone? Just my house? Okay, I thought not.). Even knowing they’re making memories with their biological father doesn’t always ease the sting of their absence.
The time apart can also disrupt your own sense of tradition. Perhaps you always decorated the tree together or always went to look at the window decorations downtown as a family, but that can’t be an easy guarantee anymore. Adjusting to the new normal of only having those moments part-time can feel like a loss.
I’ve found navigating the holidays as a co-parent requires both flexibility and intentionality. Here are some “nice” practices to make the most of this unique, sometimes epically sucky, situation:
1. Plan Special Traditions You Want to Have for Your Time Together
Create rituals that are uniquely yours. Whether it’s a Christmas movie marathon night in matching pjs, a cinnamon roll pancake breakfast (or dinner), or a special ornament you add to the tree each year, these moments can deepen your connection and give your children something to look forward to.
2. Kindly And Reasonably Communicate with Your Ex-Spouse
Though not always easy, this one is a game-changer if you are lucky enough to have a positive co-parenting relationship with your ex. Keeping open lines of communication can help ensure that both parents get meaningful time with the kids. Coordinating schedules, gift-giving, and even sharing cute photos of the kids can foster a more joyful season for all and minimize conflicts.
3. It’s A Mindset of Quality, Not Quantity
Even if you don’t have your children for every single holiday moment, the time you do have can be filled with love, unavoidable sibling arguments and joy. Be fully present and cherish those memories.
4. Find Your People (and, in my case, your paper)
Whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist, having someone to talk to can help you process the emotions that come with co-parenting during the holidays. For me, I like to write. Writing is how I best process the world around me, so if I can pour a glass of wine, light a candle and write out exactly how I’m feeling, I tend to feel lighter and understood. This then translates to more mental space to truly see the positive of the season while not negating my very real sadness.
5. Prioritize Self-Care
Use the time your children are with their dad to recharge. This isn’t selfish—it’s essential. I truly believe that a well-rested and emotionally balanced mom is the best gift you can give your kids. I think science backs me up on this. Or at least all my favorite modern day philosophers on Instagram.
The holidays are a complex dance of logistics and emotions perhaps amped up tenfold when co-parenting. While the extra time can make holiday to-dos more manageable, the absence of my children during magical moments can be deeply painful. By embracing the extra time for making the season bright for my kids paired with the time I have for self-care, I can traverse this season with grace while acknowledging the complex emotions, and I certainly can create lifelong, meaningful memories that the kids will talk about years from now. That Christmas magic — it’s for all of us.
Meg Raby is a mom, children’s author of the My Brother Otto series, and Autistic residing in Salt Lake City where you can find her playing and working with neurodivergent children as a Speech Language Pathologist and friend, or writing and planning big things in the second booth at her local coffee shop that overlooks the Wasatch Mountains while sipping on her Americano. Meg believes the essence of life is to understand, love and welcome others (aka, to give a damn about humans).
