I commonly hear the misconception that only children must feel sad and lonely without any siblings. As an only child myself and parent of “just” one kid, others often assume I felt isolated growing up “alone” and ask when I’ll have a second child to give my daughter a “friend.” Yet sad and lonely is not what I remember from growing up as an only child — or what I’ve observed with my daughter. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
“There is a stigma in our culture about only children being lonely because they have no siblings, but the experiences of many adult only children tell a different story,” says Rebeca Greene, mental health therapist and author of One and Done: The Guide to Raising a Happy and Thriving Only Child.
When I was a kid, I remember having close friendships and lots of time to socialize through school, playdates, sports, summer camps, and other activities. My parents would even let me invite my cousin or a friend on some of our family vacations. I was (and still am) very close with my parents and considered our family dog my “brother.” When I wasn’t spending time with my friends, parents, extended family, or dog “brother,” I enjoyed playing independently and learned how to entertain myself, a skill that has become invaluable to me to this day. Even as an adult, I have long-time best friends who are like sisters to me.
My husband and I also want to ensure that our daughter doesn’t fit the lonely only-child stereotype. While I admit it was difficult being bubbled off during COVID, she now has plenty of social interaction through preschool, parent-tot classes, playdates, and birthday parties (sometimes too much!). She frequently talks about all of the friends she’s made, and she seems to be a happy and thriving kid.
That said, this doesn’t mean only children are never lonely. There are times when I wished for a playmate as a kid when I was playing by myself or felt like I was lacking social connection as an adult. But this can happen whether you’re an only child or have siblings, Greene said.
“Only children are no more lonely than children with siblings,” she explains. “There are many reasons why children with siblings might [also] feel lonely, such as when siblings have a large age gap … have little in common, or don’t get along.”
Still, because there are times when your only child may feel lonely (just like anyone), we talked to Greene about advice for dealing with this and helping them stay socially connected.
How can you tell if your only child is lonely, and what should you do about it?
“One sign that your child may be feeling lonely is if they ask constantly for a sibling,” Greene tells us. “If your child asks multiple times per week … or even daily, think about whether they could be lonely and how you can provide your child with more companionship.” Here are some tips she recommends.
1. Sign your child up for extracurricular activities or a team sport after school or on the weekends.
“If your only child feels lonely because they don’t have anyone other than a parent attending their important school or sports events, see if you can invite a family friend or neighbor to attend their events as well,” Greene adds.
2. Invite your kid’s friend to join on a family vacation or outing.
“For a pre-teen or older only child, [they] may have more fun at a fall festival or amusement park if they can bring a friend along,” she says.
3. Think about getting a family pet, whether it’s a dog, cat, hamster, bird, or fish.
“A pet can provide regular companionship while at home,” Greene says. In fact, studies have shown that interacting with animals can decrease stress levels and boost your mood.
4. Create close relationships with extended family, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
“If your only child has cousins, even if they’re not local, try to nurture that relationship as much as you can,” Greene advises. She recommends weekly phone or video calls, sleepovers, trips, and attending their major milestones, like birthdays.
5. During the holidays, if your child feels lonely because they are the only kid at family gatherings, consider also planning a celebration with their friends and friends’ families.
“For example, you could invite your only child’s friends and their families over for a Friendsgiving celebration the weekend before Thanksgiving, which could [become] a new family tradition,” she says.
An important thing to remember: “Many adult-only children say that they rarely felt lonely growing up, as long as they had enough opportunities for companionship,” Greene says. In fact, many felt there were benefits of not having a sibling.
So, let’s change the narrative that only children are destined to be lonely. They can be just as social, happy, and thriving as those who have siblings.
